


When Letting Go Is Braver Than Keeping

by lilies_in_a_vase



Series: Looking For A Safe Place To Land [5]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Have a Good Relationship, Billy Hargrove Has Issues, Billy Hargrove Has a Crush on Steve Harrington, Billy Hargrove Needs Love, Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Billy Hargrove Tries to Be a Better Person, Billy Hargrove’s Bad Self-Esteem, Gay Billy Hargrove, Gen, Good Sibling Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Hurt Billy Hargrove, M/M, Protective Billy Hargrove, Shadow Monster | Mind Flayer Possessing Billy Hargrove, no beta we die like men, possessed Billy Hargrove
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22961608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilies_in_a_vase/pseuds/lilies_in_a_vase
Summary: Parts of him want to go to Steve. He wants to go to him and tell him what happened because he knows Steve would try to help him. He’s kind. Kinder than Billy.But that is if he even believes him. Which Billy knows he wouldn’t because who would? Who believes in monsters, actually believes in them, thinks they’re real and here and terrible?—Featuring:Billy realises he’s sharing his body with a monster.He tries to fight said monster.He loses.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Heather Holloway, Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Billy Hargrove & Shadow Monster | Mind Flayer, Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Series: Looking For A Safe Place To Land [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1637785
Comments: 8
Kudos: 217





	When Letting Go Is Braver Than Keeping

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Sara Bareilles and John Legend’s song “A Safe Place to Land”.
> 
> Dialogue from the show!
> 
> I wasn’t able to re-watch the episodes the scenes here take place during, but I think I got the timeline right... Just bear with me, please?

He doesn’t remember how he got from standing in the middle of the road. It’s like one second he’s there, then everything turns black and when he opens his eyes next he’s at the pool.

It takes him a couple of seconds to realise that he’s sitting up in the high lifeguard’s chair. He feels off-balance. He’s lost time. He doesn’t know how much. 

Billy tries to think back but his memory is just one big hole. There’s nothing. Nothing to explain what he did once...

Once the _other_ Billy and his army left. 

He doesn’t know what day it is. Doesn’t know what time it is. He feels ill and his head feels muffled, the same way it does after he’s been drinking too much. But he doesn’t think he’s been drinking. 

Monica comes to take her shift and Billy goes into the staff room, looks at the clock saying it’s around two in the afternoon. He gets himself a glass of water, tries to breathe, opens the fridge and takes out his sandwich. He stays in there for at least an hour, until he starts to feel a little better. 

He still doesn’t know what happened, how he got here, but at least he can try to do his job and then try to figure everything out. 

Parts of him want to go to Steve. He wants to go to him and tell him what happened because he knows Steve would try to help him. He’s kind. Kinder than Billy. 

But that is if he even believes him. Which Billy knows _he_ wouldn’t because who would? Who believes in monsters, _actually_ believes in them, thinks they’re real and here and terrible? 

Toddlers and crazy people. That’s who. And Steve is neither of those things. So he won’t go to Steve. Can’t risk him not believing Billy.

He goes out to the storeroom, decides to make sure they have everything. And suddenly he’s hit by a wave of dizziness, and he has to hold on to the shelves to avoid falling to the floor. 

And suddenly he can hear a voice, shrieking in his head, and he thinks of the thing telling him to build. He feels like throwing up. 

He can hear someone coming up behind him. It’s Karen Wheeler. He thinks she’s trying to apologise for not coming to the motel, and Billy wants to laugh, because neither did he. 

But then he’s seeing himself hit her and he realises there’s another presence in his head. Something that isn’t Billy. It’s the thing. The thing that took him. It’s in his head, in his mind, and it’s trying to take over. 

He barely manages to restrain it from actually hitting her. And he knows he can’t go to Steve. No way. He would never willingly put Steve in the risk of danger. He has to let go. He’s alone in this. No one will be able to help him, no one will believe him. 

“Stay away from me, Karen.”

He pushes past her, and the dizziness is back. The sun’s too bright. It’s pulsing. Monica sees him coming and gets out of the chair. He barely manages to collapse into it. 

—

He’s lost time again. 

He thinks he must have passed out. The kids are shouting in the water, splashing each other, and everything is too bright. He doesn’t know where he put his sunglasses.

Then there’s a burning pain by his elbow and he pulls his arm in. It had been lying on the armrest, in the sun. It’s like the sun has burned a wound into his arm. Red, burning, sizzling. 

He’s too hot. He doesn’t know how he didn’t feel it before, but even sitting in the shadow he feels _too hot_. He’s getting out of the chair before he can even figure out where he’s going. 

His vision isn’t really right, he feels like he might faint, and he crashes into someone but doesn’t know who, doesn’t bother checking, thinks he can hear someone calling his name, asking if he’s okay, but it’s not important, all that’s important is getting out of the sun, getting someplace cold. 

He stumbles into the male staff’s locker room, into the shower, not caring that he’s still got his shirt on, he just needs the cold water on his too hot skin. 

He puts his hands against the wall and lets the spray hit his head, neck, back. It’s starting to feel better. Like he can breathe. 

But then suddenly he sees that thing again, sees its head in front of his eyes, thinks it’s talking to him, but it’s not a language he understands, doesn’t even sound human, and it just hurts, again, feels like his head is being split open, and all he can do is scream and press his hands against his ears. 

He falls to the floor. He can still feel it, feel the thing, the monster, but now it’s not talking anymore, it’s pushing itself forward in his mind, pushing Billy away, and it’s not like anything he’s ever felt. 

Billy can’t take anymore, he wants to let go. But then he can hear Heather, calling his name. He begs her to leave, doesn’t know what the thing will do, will make him do. Heather was always nice to Billy. She just laughed when he flirted and smiled when he was nice. He thinks she could’ve been his friend. 

But she doesn’t leave, so Billy fights, fights until he’s at the front of his own mind. 

Heather leans down to look at him. Her expression lacks any type of emotion. “Take me to him,” she says, and it’s in the same voice as the thing used when it spoke from other-Billy’s mouth. 

He stares at her, can’t believe his own ears. “What?” It sounds so pitiful. 

“I said ‘are you hurt?’” And now she’s back to ordinary-Heather. Concerned. 

Distantly, he hears her ask if he’s okay, if she should call an ambulance, but he can’t concentrate on her, because he can feel the thing - him - coming back. And Billy tries to push him back, he really does, but it’s no use. 

He loses control of his body, hears Heather try to scream, and he retreats back into his mind. He doesn’t want to see himself kill her. He doesn’t. He can’t. But he knows how much it hurt, knows how much he struggled and how painful it was, and maybe it won’t be as bad if she doesn’t struggle. If she just tries to lie still and take it, then maybe it’ll be over quicker. So when the thing stops Billy’s Camaro outside what he know sees is an abandoned steel mill, and carries Heather down into the basement, he fights it long enough to be able to talk to her, even though he’s terrified of being back here. 

“Don’t be afraid. It will be over soon. Just stay very still.” His voice comes out wrong, not as gentle as he wants it to. But there’s no time to try again, because the thing is pushing back and pushing Billy away, and he thinks he can hear it, hear the monster, so he starts running, hiding himself in the depths of his own mind, pulling the few truly good memories he has around himself like a safety blanket. 

He still has lucid moments. He can tell the monster isn’t strong enough to control Billy all the time. Can tell it’s intelligent enough to want to blend in. Try not to be found out. Not yet. It needs to grow stronger first. It’s still there, all the time, but sometimes it’s like it needs to rest so Billy gets some semblance of control back. Just a little. 

And Billy knows he’s not strong enough to overpower it, but he’s going to make it regret choosing a lifeguard as its host. Going to make it as fucking uncomfortable as possible for the thing that took his own body away from him. 

After that first day, he realises it prefers the cold, that it hates the heat. So he tries to spend as much time outside in the sun, tries to put on as much clothing as possible. It’s not enough to make it leave him, he knows that much. And honestly, he may be the best person in this whole damn town to deal with this. Because Billy at least tries. Tries to stop it. He doesn’t want to think what would happen if someone like his father were it’s host. He doesn’t know if Neil would fight it, try to stop it, or if he would just let it do whatever it wants. Then there’s the other side of the whole thing. If someone _good_ was it’s host. Billy wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but especially not someone good, someone who would do their all to fight it, and still lose. Someone like Steve, or Max, or even Chief Hopper from what Billy’s knows of him. Someone that would break when they realised they couldn’t do anything. Someone who would still try and would hurt because of it. Someone who’s brave. Someone not like Billy, who’s already broken, who tries to run away and hide in his head. He still believes this will kill him. And honestly? Even better then that it’s him, because no one will miss him. His dad may miss his punching bag, but he won’t miss Billy. He may turn on Susan or Max, but Billy’s pretty sure Susan has enough of a spine to get out in that case. And then his dad would be alone. Fucking perfect! It’s exactly what he needs. Susan may cry, but it’s not like she ever really cared that much about him. He’s been horrible to Max, but he likes to believe they’ve gotten better. She might be sad, but he’s not about to kid himself into believing she’d actually miss her asshole of a stepbrother. Tommy and the rest of the people at school don’t know him well enough to really miss him. 

And then there’s Steve. He’ll probably be sad. Or not, considering how Billy ran away from him the last time he saw him. It’s probably for the better, anyway. It’s not like they could ever have a lasting relationship. They’re teenagers, for fuck’s sake. Nothing lasts. And Steve deserves better than trash like Billy. Even if they had dated, Steve would eventually have found someone better, someone more suitable, less angry, less sad, less broken.

God, _dating_. Billy’s never really dated anyone. Sure, he’s been _on_ dates, but he’s never had a real relationship. Never had a boyfriend. Just another thing to add to the list of all he’ll miss when this thing eventually kills him. 

The monster likes to pull him back to the present every time it gets him to deliver a new person. Billy tries to do the same for them as he did for Heather. It never works. Humans, by design, do not want to give up. They want to struggle. If there’s no way for flight then fight is the only option left. 

It’s taking over more and more. Billy has less chances to get back control, it’s getting harder, and he’s losing more time. 

He’s at Heather’s place. They’re supposed to get her parents. The monster wants them. He hopes she’s not conscious for it. He can tell her parents love her, and he can’t imagine what it would be like for her to hurt them. 

Then Max is suddenly there, and Jane. Billy can tell they now something’s not right with him, and parts of him wishes they’d somehow manage to figure it out, no matter how impossible it might seem. A bigger part, the part Billy had recently started figure out was his Protective Big Brother part, wants them to turn around and run as fast as they can before the monster decides it wants them as well. He can tell the monster is starting to take an interest, and he manages to pull himself to the front long enough to get them the fuck away, and then the monster is _roaring_ and suddenly he and Heather are hitting her parents and taking them to the mill. 

It’s got some weird fixation with Jane, Billy realises. Like it wants to get her, especially. Billy’s not going to let it. She’s just a kid. So he does his best to keep it away from anywhere he knows Max and her friends might be. 

But then suddenly they are seeking him out, and they’re locking him into the pool’s sauna. They know what’s in him doesn’t like the heat. Somehow, they _know_. Billy thinks back to last year, when he went looking for Max at the Byers and found Steve with a group of frazzled kids and the entire house filled with drawings, going from the floor and up the walls, some even reaching the ceiling. He never did find out what they were all doing there. He thinks of Steve having nightmares, and realises maybe they’ve all known something was actually really wrong with this town long before Billy did. 

If they have, then perhaps they can help him. The monster’s already weakened due to the heat, so it’s not as hard for Billy to push himself to the front of his mind. 

He’s begging Max, can see she’s starting to listen. But then the monster’s back, and it’s pushing Billy further back than it’s ever done, and he tries to stop it but he can’t, and his head hurts so much, so he just gives up. 

All he can hope for now is that the kids will be able to save themselves and stop him before he hurts someone else. 

He hopes Max forgives him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Well, this was an ending without much hope. But never fear! As of know, Billy will survive my stories. 
> 
> I’ll try to update these coming few days!
> 
> Please leave a comment and/or kudos if you liked it!


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